I have heard it said that there is good news and bad news about retirement. The good news is that you get to spend more time with your spouse. The bad news is that you get to spend more time with your spouse!
When couples retire, even if they live in the garden spot of the world, it isn’t unusual for them to experience strain in their relationship. Each person’s role may have changed. The income and status from previous jobs are gone, and children are usually no longer living at home. The daily golf games you were looking forward to aren’t as satisfying as expected, and finding interesting things to talk about at dinner each evening can be a struggle.
To make matters worse, most couples have never spent so much time together, and in such immediate proximity. It is easy for couples to become angry, frustrated, and irritable as they find themselves together twenty four hours a day, seven days a week, without having ever considered how their relationship and their lives should look in this new situation.
If you and your partner are looking toward retirement, or even if you have already retired, you may have some decisions to make. You can either choose to sit down and discuss your dreams for retirement with each other, or, if you make no preparations, you risk maintaining old patterns of interacting that aren’t working for you any longer, and experiencing the disappointment and lack of fulfillment that comes from living out your retirement in what I call “quiet desperation.” Retirement is a time that you can choose to recommit to a new life and to your partner, with each of you sharing the responsibility for maximizing happiness, and making retirement the fun, exciting, joyous segment of your life that you have always dreamed it would be.
When my husband and I retired, we had an unusual amount of challenges due to his serious health problems. He was faced with finding a way to be happy despite his illness, and I was coming to grips with being thrust into the role of full-time caregiver. Below are some of the strategies that we found especially helpful in our relationship as we dealt with retirement and the particular set of problems we faced. You don’t have to wait until retirement to start using these skills. They are helpful in any committed relationship at any time of life.
1. Build and maintain intimacy. This is the golden rule that is at the heart of everything else in your relationship. You build intimacy by being truly honest with each other - - talking about your hopes, your fears, your dreams, and feeling safe doing it. Stephen Covey, the author of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, teaches that we have an emotional bank account with every person we communicate with. Just like with a regular bank account, you make deposits and you make withdrawals. Positive interactions are deposits. Negative interactions are withdrawals. It is essential for a warm relationship that the positive interactions (deposits) outnumber the negative interactions (withdrawals). Here is a formula that you may want to remember: You need 5 positive interactions to balance every negative interaction.
2. Prioritize time for communication. When you sit down to talk, make sure you have no distractions ─ no TV ─ no newspaper. Give your full attention to your conversation.
3. Make communication safe. In addition to expressing the appreciation you feel for one another, establish ground rules for communication, so that each person can be assured of not being criticized or demeaned. The rules can be as simple as:
- Treat each other with respect.
- No hurtful criticisms.
- No passive-aggressive behavior.
- Listen deeply and without judgment to what the other is saying.
- Think before you speak.
3. Establish one or more shared goals such as rebuilding a healthy, mutually enjoyable relationship, and creating a happy, fulfilling retirement life for both individuals.
4. Establish that each partner is interested in the well-being of both ─
You might say things like, “Here are some things that are important to me in retirement” and “Tell me about the things that would make our retirement years most enjoyable for you.” Then you look for ways to blend your wants and needs.
5. Begin with the end in mind. When interacting, keep the focus on what you are trying to accomplish (a healthy, mutually enjoyable relationship and a fulfilling retirement.) Choose words carefully rather than reacting with anger and sharp, critical words.
6. Discuss issues that are important to the relationship such as:
- How is our marriage doing?
- How is our retirement doing?
- How much time do we want to spend together and separately? It is important that each person maintain his and her sense of individuality. You need a combination of time spent together, and time doing things with others
- Who is responsible for what? Who does the grocery shopping? Who does the cleaning? Who plans the social calendar?
- What are the financial issues that need to be discussed?
In short, in my experience, what will bring greatest happiness and the most harmony to any relationship is 1) the attention by both people to the desire for a healthy, mutually enjoyable relationship, and 2) the communicating in a manner that is focused on a mutual goal, feels safe to both people, conveys appreciation of one another, and is respectful of all points of view.
With greatest love and respect for you,Donna Daisy
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Do What Happy People Do
There is a saying among 12-Step people that goes like this: "If you want what I have, do what I do." I believe the same principle also applies to happiness. If you look around you at people who are enjoying each day to the fullest, regardless of their circumstances, you will notice that these people are likely to have something in common. They all have happiness habits that they practice on a daily basis. In other words, they have a foundation for happiness.
Here are some of the happiness habits that I have found to be most effective both for myself, and for the people I work with:
1. Practice gratitude. Look around you every day and notice the many things that you have to be grateful for. I have found that even in the bleakest of circumstances, I still have many things for which to be grateful. Each of us has 86,400 seconds in every day. Ask yourself, "How many of those seconds am I remembering to be grateful?"
2. Practice acts of kindness. I have a group of friends with whom I walk my dog, Abby, each morning between 7 AM and 8 AM. A couple of years ago, one of our older neighbors, Sylvia, lost her next door neighbor and best friend. Each morning, all of the "dog friends" would go out of our way to give Sylvia a big hug and invite her to join us. Sylvia now says that act of kindness by the "dog friends" each day was what got her through some of her darkest days. Acts of kindness don't have to cost anything. Simply giving an encouraging smile to a stranger can be a great act of kindness.
3. Surround yourself with positive, supportive people. Social support has been found to be one of the greatest buffers against the damaging effects of chronic stress.
4. Practice forgiveness. Buddha summed it up best with this saying:Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
For more happiness habits, you might want to have a look at my book, "Why Wait? Be Happy Now!" by going to my website, www.donnadaisy.com. You can also find it on www.amazon.com.
With greatest love and respect for you,Donna Daisy
Here are some of the happiness habits that I have found to be most effective both for myself, and for the people I work with:
1. Practice gratitude. Look around you every day and notice the many things that you have to be grateful for. I have found that even in the bleakest of circumstances, I still have many things for which to be grateful. Each of us has 86,400 seconds in every day. Ask yourself, "How many of those seconds am I remembering to be grateful?"
2. Practice acts of kindness. I have a group of friends with whom I walk my dog, Abby, each morning between 7 AM and 8 AM. A couple of years ago, one of our older neighbors, Sylvia, lost her next door neighbor and best friend. Each morning, all of the "dog friends" would go out of our way to give Sylvia a big hug and invite her to join us. Sylvia now says that act of kindness by the "dog friends" each day was what got her through some of her darkest days. Acts of kindness don't have to cost anything. Simply giving an encouraging smile to a stranger can be a great act of kindness.
3. Surround yourself with positive, supportive people. Social support has been found to be one of the greatest buffers against the damaging effects of chronic stress.
4. Practice forgiveness. Buddha summed it up best with this saying:Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
For more happiness habits, you might want to have a look at my book, "Why Wait? Be Happy Now!" by going to my website, www.donnadaisy.com. You can also find it on www.amazon.com.
With greatest love and respect for you,Donna Daisy
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Hi Everyone - Did any of you happen to take part in any of the September 21 world peace activities? I received some beautiful videos and emails with inspirational messages that kept me reminded of this important date. In case you happened to miss out, I would like to dedicate this blog to the 2010 International Day of Peace, and the importance to our future that this day represents.
All of us wish for and dream of peace in this world. And even though we have our own stressors, day in and day out, as we step back and view the world from a larger point of view, we recognize that the world has great stressors as well. Some are political, some are economic, and some are environmental.
It is my belief that what the world needs right now is not so much a change of politics, but a change in our hearts and lives. It needs us to cooperate and support one another rather than compete. It needs us all to be focused on blessing one another, rather than blaming each other.
In her book, The Age of Miracles, author and lecturer Marianne Williamson notes that, “We are in the midst of a great revolution – a time in which we will make a quantum leap from one era of human history to another. Things will be radically different over the next years as we enter either a new age of darkness or a new age of light.”
We often feel like we a small and insignificant when it comes to such important issues as world peace. On the contrary. Now is the time for each one of us to take the first step toward leading the way toward a more peaceful world. We do that by first becoming more peaceful ourselves, releasing judgments and blame, and instead, tuning our hearts to love. The last half of my book, Why Wait? Be Happy Now! is devoted to exactly how we can tune our hearts to love. But for now, I would like to give you five steps you can take right now to start becoming the peace you want to see in the world:
1. Be grateful in the present moment rather than stressed about the future. Consider making a daily list of at least three things for which you are grateful Choose different things each day. One of the benefits of this exercise is that it keeps you focused on the good stuff!
2. Practice acts of kindness on a daily basis. Seek ways to help others. The smallest acts of kindness can make a huge difference.
3. Practice forgiveness. A friend of mine, whose husband recently asked for a divorce, told me she was tired of her minister telling her to forgive him. I reminded her of the saying from Buddha that hanging on to anger is like holding a hot coal. You intend to throw it at the other person, but you are the one that gets burned. You aren’t forgiving for the other person’s benefit, but for yourself.
4. Surround yourself with positive, like minded people and nurture those relationships. Especially, let them know you appreciate them and respect them. Practice the five to one ratio (five positive interactions with them for every negative interaction.)
5. Consciously bring forth your highest potential in order to make your highest contribution to the world. Keep expanding your knowledge and wisdom. Keep growing as a person. Remember, life has only one exam – a final exam that asks two questions: How much did you love? How much did you learn and grow?
In case you didn’t have the opportunity to see it, the following is the link to a beautiful video created by Heartmath, LLC. I encourage you to have a look. I believe that you will find that it is worth the “cut and paste” effort!
http://www.heartmath.org/templates/ihm/articles/landing/peace-day/2010/index.php?mtcCampaign=11967&mtcEmail=28930072
With greatest love and respect for you,
Donna Daisy
All of us wish for and dream of peace in this world. And even though we have our own stressors, day in and day out, as we step back and view the world from a larger point of view, we recognize that the world has great stressors as well. Some are political, some are economic, and some are environmental.
It is my belief that what the world needs right now is not so much a change of politics, but a change in our hearts and lives. It needs us to cooperate and support one another rather than compete. It needs us all to be focused on blessing one another, rather than blaming each other.
In her book, The Age of Miracles, author and lecturer Marianne Williamson notes that, “We are in the midst of a great revolution – a time in which we will make a quantum leap from one era of human history to another. Things will be radically different over the next years as we enter either a new age of darkness or a new age of light.”
We often feel like we a small and insignificant when it comes to such important issues as world peace. On the contrary. Now is the time for each one of us to take the first step toward leading the way toward a more peaceful world. We do that by first becoming more peaceful ourselves, releasing judgments and blame, and instead, tuning our hearts to love. The last half of my book, Why Wait? Be Happy Now! is devoted to exactly how we can tune our hearts to love. But for now, I would like to give you five steps you can take right now to start becoming the peace you want to see in the world:
1. Be grateful in the present moment rather than stressed about the future. Consider making a daily list of at least three things for which you are grateful Choose different things each day. One of the benefits of this exercise is that it keeps you focused on the good stuff!
2. Practice acts of kindness on a daily basis. Seek ways to help others. The smallest acts of kindness can make a huge difference.
3. Practice forgiveness. A friend of mine, whose husband recently asked for a divorce, told me she was tired of her minister telling her to forgive him. I reminded her of the saying from Buddha that hanging on to anger is like holding a hot coal. You intend to throw it at the other person, but you are the one that gets burned. You aren’t forgiving for the other person’s benefit, but for yourself.
4. Surround yourself with positive, like minded people and nurture those relationships. Especially, let them know you appreciate them and respect them. Practice the five to one ratio (five positive interactions with them for every negative interaction.)
5. Consciously bring forth your highest potential in order to make your highest contribution to the world. Keep expanding your knowledge and wisdom. Keep growing as a person. Remember, life has only one exam – a final exam that asks two questions: How much did you love? How much did you learn and grow?
In case you didn’t have the opportunity to see it, the following is the link to a beautiful video created by Heartmath, LLC. I encourage you to have a look. I believe that you will find that it is worth the “cut and paste” effort!
http://www.heartmath.org/templates/ihm/articles/landing/peace-day/2010/index.php?mtcCampaign=11967&mtcEmail=28930072
With greatest love and respect for you,
Donna Daisy
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